Growing up, I had a complicated relationship with my sister.
Maybe we fit easy to fill stereotypes. She was the popular cheerleader type, who was bad at school. I was the book-worm, nerd-girl who wasn't so popular. I was in the college-prep classes, she was in jazz emsemble and a cheerleader.
Pretty easy to make clear lines. However, we are 14 months apart and fairly close. Close enough to just hate each others guts. So back in the day when I read a book or saw a movie about sisters with deep rifts I felt like it was talking to me, saying something important. Something important enough to cry for hours.
Back then I felt second best in her presence. She had flocks of followers. If there was a guy all my friends had crushes on, she was dating him. I was known as H-star's sister, not as myself. She was in every musical, every show, every stupid everyfucking thing. On the other hand I never even did homework and got straight A's. She had to work hours for even C's. There was a year we were in the same math class (and not just in the same level, the same CLASS and hour and everything). Since I did so well in math I tended to tutor her, but I doubt it was much fun. I really can't imagine how that must have been for her.
In truth I don't really even know how to deal with her to this day. We are still extremely close and get along almost like twins. On the other hand, we are polar opposites in almost every other fashion: religion, politics, family planning, etc. At least now we don't worry about who has the better position or job.
Why did this come up? I saw the movie In Her Shoes tonight and even though the circumstances have about zero to do with how my sister and I interact, it touched something in me. Sisters are bonded, it doesn't seem to be anything you could ever get around. The more you try to pretend it isn't true, the more obvious it is that you are lying.
I am 35 and there isn't anyone alive who can understand exactly where I am coming from as much as my sister (and dude, she was there for the whole 35 years of it, so who wouldn't?). In some ways I owe her so many apologies for how I used to act. I was SO. FRICKIN'. JEALOUS. What a complete asshole I must have been. For someone who was all about studying, practising and getting everything exactly right, I couldn't stand seeing someone blow it all off and still have everyone singing her praises.
Maybe I have learned that it isn't necessarily the 4 hours you put into preparation, but the years of experience you draw on to deliver the wowing, while following it up with sincere hard work on the back end.
I love my sister. I hate my sister. I love my sister so much I can't even breathe. Don't even say a bad word to me about my sister, or we will have words. Don't even breathe it.
Posted by kerewin at August 26, 2006 10:17 PMWho's the oldest? That makes a huge difference. From what you describe, it sounds like you were younger. I might be expanding on my own case, because I always imagine that it is the younger sibling who feels overshadowed, no matter what the older sibling is like.
I think, maybe, to avoid sibling rivaly, my sister and I saw each other as having different domains. But also our parents probably did too much pegging. It was bad for us. She is extremely beautiful--all my siblings are, I'm the homeliest. I think that was a bit confusing for me--I tended to see myself as invisible. I was supposed to be smart and that was confusing for her. She is smart but almost couldn't be smart, couldn't achieve what she was capable of--she reacted to me. She felt my shadow. Although I often thought it would be great to be as beautiful as she was, I think I had a way of dealing with not being beautiful that was dysfunctional but kind of worked for me.
I'd say she had more resentment than I did but there wasn't much hostility. Maybe we were successful a lot of the time at separating from each other and letting each other be the smart or the pretty one? Maybe we were so open about our feelings they didn't build up in any big way? I don't know.
We bickered constantly but more like a married couple--not about what one had but the other one didn't. I think we wanted what was best for each other, in spite of all our conflicts. We're both incredibly screwed up, and I think the lousy job my parents did has created a bond between myself and all my siblings.
Yes, I love her so much it drives me crazy when anything hurts her or causes her trouble. And she has a lot of trouble. I'd give up almost everything to make sure she was happy.
I hate the idea her life would have been better if there were no me to get in her way. I think she used to believe that. I sometimes feel horribly guilty and fear that it is true (not that I could really help being the oldest or being who I was). It's probably not true, though.
One effect having beautiful sisters has had maybe is that I don't have much competitiveness with other women. I have many beautiful friends and friends that are more successful than I am. I think, maybe to preserve the closeness with my sisters, I learned not to feel competitive with women. Not all my friendships with women were totally healthy but jealousy wasn't the issue.
Posted by: ozma at August 30, 2006 12:09 PMAfter talking as adults we both realized we felt overshadowed by the other person's strength and part of that, I think, was the fault of our parents who created stereotypes.
But yes, she is older.
Posted by: kerewin at September 1, 2006 09:07 AM